That’s a question my coach asked me on a recent call. I was relaying a rather painful story to him and at the end of it did my usual giggle. I know the origins of this, as I grew up in a house where I was told many times to “go to your room until you can behave.” I learned early on that anything but a cheerful, happy Jill was unacceptable to the world. No one wanted to see me any differently. So I began “covering up the brokenness” …a phrase I just heard on MaryAnn’s recent substack. I remember so vividly Jim’s and my friends in the program say to me when I told them that we were divorcing, “I had no idea there were problems…you were always smiling.”

I realize that my children (at least some of them, but probably all of them 🙂 ) “demand” honest, open communication from me as I get older and less independent. I’m really struggling with communicating the “hurt” and bringing up subjects that may seem petty to others but have probably been misinterpreted by me and then bothered me. I keep saying to myself when this happens to open a dialog by saying the simple phrase “help me understand XXXX” but I’m still trying hard to make this a habit.

An example of what I’m talking about here is this:

Living alone for about 30 years now, I’ll often grab something to eat and place it on a paper towel or napkin. I’ll use the same coffee cup for heating up the slice of banana bread. I live miserly and it’s a habit that works for me when it’s just me. So it’s been natural for me to carry this “habit” when I’m in the home of others, plus the fact that I don’t want to cause work or burden others…another assumption that I make…why do I always think this? I don’t think this when others ask of me? (oh yes, I heard this in a meeting recently and I want to remember it: one of the most selfish things that I can do is to not ask for help when I need it and/or accept help when it’s offered.“)

Getting back to the example, on more than one occasion I have seen this (using a habit from my home experience) bother my hosts…”get a plate!” they say to me and I have interpreted this as them treating me like a child, or being rude, or disrespecting me. I think, “would they say this to anyone else visiting their home that did this?” (when probably no one else visiting their home would do this in reality). Notice, I said “I have interpreted it” because I had a conversation with Luke about this and for a good 10 minutes or so I listened to him and his honesty about his perception and reaction and reason for his objections to this action on my part.

This took me from the frame that it was all about me to the reality that it was a situation that involved way more aspects than I’ve ever considered. I instantly thought about the fact that my actions were disrespecting him and his family in their household. It had nothing to do with the feelings I had that resulted from faulty assumptions.

In other words, before this conversation, “what we had was a failure to communicate.“

[Side note: I chose the name Luke, in part, after Paul Newman’s role in the movie “Cool Hand Luke” in which this line was one of the most memorable lines from the movie as the warden said it regularly to Luke, a member of a chain gang in a US prison. Unbendable to the will of the warden, he hears the famous quote regularly before being punished.]

I just “went into my room until I could behave” and made quick and incorrect assumptions. After communicating with Luke, I was able to rid myself of my stupid assumptions and understand that I was not the center of the universe. In fact, it’s wide and grand and righteous.