My Brother Wants Me Out of His Life.

A reader seeks advice on defusing sibling tension.

By Philip Galanes, NYT, Nov 2021

One of my brothers — the sibling I’ve always felt closest to — recently told me that he will no longer speak to me. He claims I am self-righteous, judgmental and sarcastic, and he said he’s felt this way for a long time. (I will admit to being opinionated.) I am not entirely shocked; we’ve had bouts of tension before. But I am surprised by how well and for how long he kept his strong feelings to himself. He lives in a distant city and delivered his news over the phone. At the end of the call, it was clear he was severing ties with me indefinitely. Can I reach out to him to try to repair the damage?

Advice follows:

The one thing I’m pretty sure of here is that reaching out to your brother is not the best first step. Your letter suggests that your go-to move may be to quibble with his assessment of your behavior: “I’m not judgmental, I’m just opinionated.” And that would be a surefire loser.

When someone we care about finally screws up the courage to tell us that we’ve been upsetting them for a while, our best path is to try to put aside denials and defensiveness. (Yes, I know how hard that is!) Assume your brother is correct. And let yourself feel how much you will miss him. If you can’t do these things, don’t bother getting in touch with him.

If you can, write an unambiguous note: “I’m sorry I’ve upset you, and I want to put things right. If you’re willing, I think it would help me to talk about specific times when my conversation has tipped into unpleasantness for you. That way, I can try to do better in the future. Can we talk?”

Your goal is to understand his perspective, not to “win” the conversation. So, if he’s willing to talk, just listen. Then sit with his critique for a few days and consider how you might modulate your style to keep your brother in your life.